Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
🤔😂😂
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*