*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.