ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I wish I could veto my bills.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.