How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
much to think about
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter