Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.