Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
reduce, reuse, recycle
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
A woman drives into a bar.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either