If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.