My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Go girl power!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
idk what this dog had been going through but same
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?