When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Husband of the year 😂
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah