me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time