I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
that lip filler tho
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Good dog. ❤️
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My plans: 2020:
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*