someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?