Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.