Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Just a reminder, folks:
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there