Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk