accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
my retirement plan is braless
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date