PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
do u think theres a butter planet?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.