I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.