You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
road rage
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
No way!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.