The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Stick it to the man
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.