Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
(yawn)
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.