*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?