@Gupton68: Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
@Gupton68: I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
@Gupton68: I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.
@Gupton68: When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
@Gupton68: [abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not... not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
@Gupton68: me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
@Gupton68: Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can't speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
@Gupton68: wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
@Gupton68: I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.