hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
*first day as a hoarse-whisperer*
wife: that will teach you for shouting at the kids all the time!
for jolly japes, add a bottle of obscure artisanal lemonade to the minibar at expensive hotels that subsequent guests will leave untouched for years for fear that it will cost $48
My favourite chops, ranked:
3. Karate chops
2. Pork chops
I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.
*walks into the coffin shop*
I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I recently discovered that people won’t buy any old crap online, so there goes my brilliant and highly original get-rich-quick scheme.
Unrelated, any suggestions as to how else I could dispose of my old underpants?