@Gupton68

hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave

@Gupton68

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

@Gupton68

*first day as a hoarse-whisperer*

wife: that will teach you for shouting at the kids all the time!

@Gupton68

for jolly japes, add a bottle of obscure artisanal lemonade to the minibar at expensive hotels that subsequent guests will leave untouched for years for fear that it will cost $48

@Gupton68

My favourite chops, ranked:

5. Chopsticks
4. Muttonchops
3. Karate chops
2. Pork chops
1. Psychopaths

@Gupton68

I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.

@Gupton68

*walks into the coffin shop*

I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.

@Gupton68

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

@Gupton68

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

@Gupton68

I recently discovered that people won’t buy any old crap online, so there goes my brilliant and highly original get-rich-quick scheme.

Unrelated, any suggestions as to how else I could dispose of my old underpants?