The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.