He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
this is 10/10 content no notes
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
good morning
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.