@GuyBreakup

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@GuyBreakup

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

@GuyBreakup

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

@GuyBreakup

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

@GuyBreakup

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

@GuyBreakup

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]