Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
bury ourselves
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If looks could kill
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up