Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!