We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.