@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.