I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.