‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
You Might Also Like
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.