Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“Wait, let me explain..”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.