Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Introverted vegans go meetless
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.