I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami