Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂