[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets