Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”