My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My neck my back my allergy attack
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.