He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.