‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
You Might Also Like
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”