Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
seems like a niche market
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.