me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Thursday
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?