I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?