Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating