Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HansGrubertron's best tweets

@HansGrubertron : [First ever date] ME: I just didn't feel a spark CAVEWOMAN: a what?

@HansGrubertron: [Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

@HansGrubertron: [joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@HansGrubertron: [During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I'll tone down the crying

@HansGrubertron: ME: I'm here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you're not

ME: I... I need to fix it from the other side

@HansGrubertron: ME: isn't it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I've never seen an entire cob before

@HansGrubertron: [First day as a hacker]

Boss: what's taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

@HansGrubertron: HITMAN: Your husband's sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that's why I want him killed

@HansGrubertron: DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her 'the look'


*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

@HansGrubertron: *I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen... He's back.