ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda