@HansGrubertron: [Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
@HansGrubertron: [joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
@HansGrubertron: [During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I'll tone down the crying
@HansGrubertron: ME: I'm here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you're not
ME: I... I need to fix it from the other side
@HansGrubertron: ME: isn't it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I've never seen an entire cob before
@HansGrubertron: [First day as a hacker]
Boss: what's taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
@HansGrubertron: HITMAN: Your husband's sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that's why I want him killed
@HansGrubertron: DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her 'the look'
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
@HansGrubertron: *I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen... He's back.