@HansGrubertron

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@HansGrubertron

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@HansGrubertron

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

@HansGrubertron

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

@HansGrubertron

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

@HansGrubertron

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating