I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
u spoke cat all this time??????
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.