Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I think this cat is broken
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Stick it to the man
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.