So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood