So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.