They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.