@HatfieldAnne

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@HatfieldAnne

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

@HatfieldAnne

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

@HatfieldAnne

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

@HatfieldAnne

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

@HatfieldAnne

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

@HatfieldAnne

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

@HatfieldAnne

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.