When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.