I’m tired tomorrow.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.