@HatfieldAnne

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

@HatfieldAnne

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@HatfieldAnne

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

@HatfieldAnne

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

@HatfieldAnne

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

@HatfieldAnne

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

@HatfieldAnne

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?